My Letter to Ohio Legislators

A Bold New Proposal to Solve the Imaginary Bathroom Crisis

Dear Legislator,

I’ve been closely following the Ohio General Assembly’s recent decision to pass a transgender bathroom ban, which now awaits action by Governor DeWine. The rationale behind this bill, as I understand it, is to protect students in school restrooms.

After conducting some “in-depth” research, I was stunned to find that I could barely find any reports of a trans student ever harming a cisgender student in any school bathroom in Ohio, and nationwide, it’s nearly non-existent. It seems that the General Assembly, in its infinite wisdom, is trying to be ahead of the curve by tackling a safety concern that, quite frankly, has yet to materialize. Kudos for prioritizing the imaginary over the real!

Given that, I’d like to propose a new bill that’s equally as “necessary” and “well thought out.”

Nationwide, trans students make up roughly 0.6% to 3% of the population, and yet, even in the absence of any incidents in Ohio, the bathroom ban passed with overwhelming support. Ohio has 1.6 million students in its schools, and I’ve heard countless stories of cisgender students being harassed in school bathrooms — with no trans students involved whatsoever.

Since keeping trans students out of the bathrooms is apparently crucial to the safety of others, I’m sure you’ll be eager to address the very real problem of cis-on-cis bathroom violence. It’s not only a real thing, it’s one that happens likely in every school, every year. So, in your unwavering commitment to protecting kids from fictional safety concerns, how about we focus on a real one?

I propose a new bill mandating that only one student of any gender may be allowed in a bathroom at a time. Sure, it’s completely unenforceable, would cause all kinds of logistical nightmares for the students, would be prohibitively expensive to implement, and is downright ridiculous — but hey, that’s never stopped you before, right?

Also, since we’re really getting into protecting children from harm, I’ve heard of numerous cases of abuse by religious leaders and even politicians. Perhaps it’s time for a bill banning those individuals from using restroom facilities where children could possibly be present?

Of course, I’m not serious — but let’s be honest, if you voted for the bathroom bill, neither are you.

Sincerely,

Arienne Childrey

P.S. This is not directed at any legislators who voted against the bathroom bill. You’re doing the right thing.